The Hardest Words
by PugNTurtle
Summary: When Catherine is shot, she has a difficult choice to make. YoBling! Oneshot.


Summary: When Catherine is shot, she has to make a decision. YoBling!

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or any of the characters that are written about in this story. They belong to Bruckheimer, CBS, Zuicker, and a bunch of other people who make more money in one day then I will in probably my whole life.

Author's Note: This is just a oneshot that I did a little while ago that I'm finally getting around to publishing. I'm playing around with some other stuff, so keep an eye out for me. Enjoy!! And as usual, feedback is appreciated but not begged for. It's not in my character.

~/~

They say that life can change in the blink of an eye, but for Catherine Willows?

She wasn't sure how it exactly happened.

Catherine didn't remember seeing the suspect return to the crime scene, or how he got past the cops that were guarding the house. All she recalled was seeing the gun flash, and the next thing she knew, she was yelling at Riley to get down.

Riley had merely looked back at her, stunned, not comprehending why Catherine now had a look of panic on her face.

Without thinking, Catherine threw herself in front of the younger CSI. The impact of the first bullet struck her in the left side just as she hit Riley. The force of the bullet was enough to knock the pair down: the supervisor falling to her knees and Riley falling to her side. Catherine grimaced in pain as she reached for her weapon, shielding Riley's body with her own.

She no sooner pointed the weapon at the suspect when a second bullet erupted from his gun, striking Catherine in the right collarbone. She winced, but nevertheless aimed her gun as steadily as possible at the suspect.

His lips were moving, but Catherine had no clue what he was saying. At this point, she didn't care. It took all her remaining strength to pull the trigger, the bullet from her gun striking the suspect directly in the chest.

His body fell backwards, the gun falling from his hand as Catherine slumped backwards, her body falling against Riley's knees as her gun, too, slipped from her fingers.

The younger woman shook her head, breaking herself out of the stunned silence that she had fallen into. Riley looked down at Catherine, her eyes wide with panic as she saw the blood covering the supervisor.

"Catherine!" Riley muttered, her body moving on autopilot as she tore off her vest, pressing it against Catherine's side, coaxing Catherine to lay flat on her back.

Catherine gasped in pain as she felt Riley's knee press the vest against her side, putting pressure on the fabric in an attempt to stem the blood flow. She saw Riley adjust her position so she was straddling her, trying to keep the older woman from sliding so she could put more pressure on her side. Next thing she knew, Riley was leaning over her, and Catherine felt pressure being applied to the wound near her shoulder, this time with Riley's hands.

"I need the paramedics!" Riley bellowed, bringing her frantic gaze down to Catherine's face. The supervisor's eyes were glazed over, but she looked calm for some reason. Swallowing, Riley willed herself to calm down for Catherine's sake.

"Hey, Catherine, you're going to be okay," Riley told her softly. She wanted to wipe the hair back from Catherine's pale, sweaty face, but she couldn't move her hands from Catherine's shoulder. "Just hang in there, okay?"

Catherine stared up at Riley, her lips moving but no sound coming out. Riley leaned her head down, her ear close to Catherine's lips.

"Lindsey…love…her…" Catherine managed to whisper.

Blinking, Riley looked down at Catherine, seeing the faraway gaze in the older woman's eyes. "No, Catherine, you can tell Lindsey that yourself, okay?" Riley asked. She glanced up, seeing the paramedics run into the room. "Just hang in there, please!"

Catherine nodded, but her eyes slipped shut as darkness overcame her.

~/~

As dark as it had been moments ago, it was now white. Catherine slowly forced her eyes open, blinking against the harsh white of the room that she was now in.

She slowly sat up, glancing down at her shoulder. There was no trace of blood, nor was there any pain. A quick glance at her side indicated the same.

For a moment, Catherine wondered whether she was dreaming. Maybe she had just imagined that the suspect had returned and that she had been shot.

But it felt so real.

And besides, where was she now?

Catherine slowly stood, looking around. It was quiet, yet there was a calming hum in the room. She didn't see any windows or doors. Slowly, Catherine turned, and jumped when she saw there was someone in the room with her.

She slowly made her way to the man, her heart pounding slightly as she came closer. She would recognize those curls and green eyes anywhere.

"Warrick," Catherine all but breathed, taking long strides towards him. She stopped in front of him, her hands dangling limply by her side as he looked up at her.

"How – how is this possible?" Catherine asked hoarsely. "Where am I?" She blinked, glancing down at her shoulder again. "Oh, God. I'm dead, aren't I?"

Warrick finally smiled at Catherine, his green eyes filled with apprehension. "No, you're not dead, at least not yet," he said gently.

"Where am I?" Catherine asked, confused. "Wasn't I shot? Why don't I hurt?"

She glanced down as Warrick took her hand in his, his skin warm against her cold hand. "I can't answer those questions, Catherine. All I know is that you have a decision to make."

~/~

Catherine forced her eyes open, attempting to lift her left hand to pull whatever was covering her mouth and nose off. She would have tried to do so with her right, but she currently couldn't move her arm.

"Ms. Willows, calm down, it's just oxygen!" An unfamiliar voice chastised her. "Please, just stay still."

She muttered in response, fighting against the hand as she tried to pull the mask off, only to have someone restrain her arm.

"Someone get 10 milligrams of Morphine," Catherine heard another unknown voice.

"No," she yelled from behind the mask, her voice muffled. She struggled, crying out at the pain that shot through her body at the action.

Hands held her down as she struggled, but soon she felt a warmth spreading through her body.

The darkness came again.

~/~

"What kind of decision?"

Warrick glanced up at her, finally standing. His hand was still gripping hers, and he placed his other hand on her shoulder. "You have to choose where you are going to go."

Catherine stared at him, her blue eyes emotional as she comprehended what Warrick was saying.

"Are you…are you saying that I have to choose between living, or, or…or dying?" Catherine stammered. "Rick, I can't make that choice!"

"You have to, Cath," Warrick answered her. "I had to."

"Why did you leave us?" Catherine couldn't help the angry tone that slipped from her mouth. "How could you leave me?"

"It was time, Catherine," Warrick told her gently. She made a disgusted sound and tried to pull her hand from his, but he wouldn't let her. "Catherine, when McKeen shot me, he severed the nerves in my neck and throat," he said, moving his hand from her shoulder to her cheek. "Not only would I not be able to talk, but I wouldn't be able to walk, either. I wouldn't be able to tell you…that I love you."

"Call me selfish if you want, but I wasn't ready to live in that kind of pain. When I laid there in Grissom's arms, I saw my grandmother in this room. She told me the same thing that I'm telling you: that I had a choice to make. I saw you, driving home, a smile on your face. I saw Nicky flirting with that waitress, and Greg on his way to the airport. I saw Grissom holding me tightly to keep me alive, but I knew. Catherine, I knew that it was my time to go.

"Close your eyes, Catherine." She glanced up at him, seeing the pleading look in his eyes. She finally complied, shutting her eyes against the stark white of the room. "Tell me what you see."

"_Lindsey," Catherine murmured. Her daughter was swinging on the swing with her current boyfriend, the pair talking._

"_My mother," Catherine continued. She saw her mother talking to a handsome older man on a cruise ship. _

"_The team," Catherine finished. They were sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, worry evident on all of their faces. Riley was covered in blood, a haunted look on her face. Jim, Greg, and Ray all looked stoic as they waited for news about the supervisor, and Nick look worried as well as he talked on his cell phone, pacing the hallway._

Catherine opened her eyes, not surprised to see Warrick looking back at her. "I want all of it," Catherine finally murmured. "I want you and them."

"You can't have all of it," Warrick said softly bringing his hand to the back of her neck. "You have a lot to live for."

"So did you," Catherine couldn't help but sniffle as she said this, staring at Warrick evenly.

"You're going to be in a lot of pain for a very long time if you go back," Warrick added, ignoring her last statement. "Your kidney and collarbone are damaged, and there's a chance that you may not be able to work in the field again." Seeing the panic in Catherine's eyes, Warrick clarified, "You may not be able to pass the weapon's tests, Catherine. But there will undoubtedly be a job for the hero of the LVPD."

She stared up at him, confused.

"You saved Riley's life, honey," Warrick told her. "You threw yourself in front of her so she wouldn't be shot, and managed to take down the suspect despite two bullet wounds, including one that should have affected your shooting. You're a hero."

Silence.

Then Catherine whispered, "I'm not a hero."

Warrick smiled at Catherine's statement, shaking his head. "You're my hero," he answered softly.

He ducked his head, pressing his lips to hers gently.

~/~

"…left kidney is lacerated…"

"…collarbone is shattered, we need to put pins…"

"…almost nicked an artery…"

"…still losing too much blood…"

"…need to get her on the table right now!"

All the voices were mingling together, and it was almost too much for her to deal with. Catherine willed darkness to overcome her again so she could go back to that blissful white room, but before it did, another voice rang out.

"Stats are dropping!"

"Get her to the OR, stat! We need to get these bullets out of her!"

_Warrick!_

~/~

Catherine felt her knees weaken at the contact, her mind racing as she returned the kiss.

It felt so good to be back in his arms. His arm snaked around her waist, pulling the strawberry blond closer to him.

Catherine wrapped her arms around Warrick's waist, enjoying the feel of his arms wrapped around her. Last time they had been this close, it had been at the bottom of a drainage ditch, and Warrick had saved her from falling on her butt.

If only they hadn't been interrupted, Catherine wondered what may have happened…

Warrick was the first to pull back, leaving Catherine breathless as she stared up at him. "Are you trying to convince me to stay here?" she finally managed.

"I can't tell you what to do, Cath," Warrick gently told her.

"Do you want me here?"

He glanced down at her before slowly closing his eyes. "Cath, I can't-" Her hands on his cheeks forced Warrick's eyes open, cutting off his words. He met her intense, stormy eyes and closed his mouth.

"Do not tell me that you can't tell me what to do," Catherine warned. "I'm asking you what _you _want."

~/~

Catherine couldn't feel her side, mercifully, but the pain in her collarbone was still there. It was almost unbearable to the point where she was going to pass out – again. She whimpered, trying to lift her head to see what was behind the sheet near her midsection where everyone was huddled.

"She's up again!" a voice called, and Catherine brought her bleary eyes up to look at whom she assumed was a nurse. Everything was really blurry.

"You're a tough one, aren't you? We just can't seem to keep you under."

The voice seemed distorted to Catherine, and she opened her mouth to reply. Her tongue felt three times too big, however, and she simply moaned.

"Hang on, Catherine," the blur said. "I'm gonna get you something to knock you out."

"No!" Catherine managed hoarsely. She was dimly aware of the heart monitor rapidly beeping, but she didn't care. She wanted to know what was going on, and where Warrick was.

"Calm down, honey," another blur said, holding a needle to the tube in her hand. "We're going to fix you all up, okay?"

"No," Catherine repeated, shaking her head.

But nevertheless, the darkness slowly came again.

~/~

"I – I want you here with me, Catherine," Warrick finally admitted after a moment of silence. "But you have a daughter and a team down there that needs you."

"I know," Catherine told him. "And I feel guilty for leaving you here. I just…I wonder what would have happened if I would have asked-"

She cut herself off, adverting her gaze.

"Asked me what?" Warrick coached, placing a hand on her chin to force Catherine to look at him. "Asked me what?" he repeated.

"To go home with me," Catherine admitted. "After breakfast, I was going to ask you back to my house but Nicky was there and I didn't want to stir up any rumors. I wish that I would have asked you. Maybe you wouldn't have-" A sob escaped, and she wiped her eyes furiously to keep the tears at bay.

"Hey, hey," Warrick whispered when he realized where her train of thought was headed, trailing his thumbs over her cheeks. "Nothing you would have done that morning could have changed what happened. If you had been with me, McKeen would have shot you too."

Catherine shook her head. "Maybe-"

"No, no maybes." Warrick smiled wryly. He sobered, then added, "Catherine…I love you. I always have, and I always will. I watch you everyday-"

This time, his words were cut off by Catherine's lips on his. "I love you too," Catherine said when they parted, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I never stopped loving you even when you left."

"I know," Warrick said simply. They held each others gazes for several long minutes before he finally sighed. "So what are you going to do?"

Her chin dropped, and she uttered the hardest words she'd ever say.

"I have to go back."

He nodded, but at the same time, his heart was breaking. "Go back to them, Catherine," Warrick said hoarsely, kissing her forehead gently. "Just don't make them wait too long."

~/~

_Just open your eyes._

_You can do it._

Catherine's brain was coaching her, but her eyelids just weren't cooperating. She focused on her breathing, instead, and the pain that was currently overtaking the left side of her body, and her right arm.

"Hey, how are you?"That was Greg.

"I'm fine."Nicky. That would explain the light pressure on her hand at certain points of the last hour that she had been trying to force her tired eyes open.

"You look exhausted."_ That made two of them_, Catherine thought. "Let me take over for a few."

"Nah, man, I'm fine."

"Come on, Nick. Go get some sleep. You have to run shift in four hours."

"And you have to work in four hours too."

"I got some sleep."

"_Stop arguing." _

Catherine groaned to herself. The words were right on the tip of her tongue, but she just couldn't force them out. Her throat felt incredibly dry and scratchy, and there was something forced down her throat.

"How's she doing?"

"About the same. She keeps moving her fingers a little bit, like she wants to come out of this thing, but she just won't open her eyes."

"_I can't!"_ Catherine wanted to yell. _"I-"_

Fingers.

A light bulb clicked above her head, and before she lost the strength, Catherine moved the fingers of her left hand. At the same time, she moaned softly, the noise drawing the attention of the two men in the room with her.

"Catherine?" Nicky again. She moaned again, feeling his hand squeeze hers. "Cath, squeeze my hand if you can hear me."

It took a few seconds, but she squeezed his hand.

"Come on, Boss Lady, open those pretty blue eyes," Greg encouraged her.

Catherine wanted to open her eyes just so that she could glare at Greg calling her boss lady. Slowly, she concentrated on opening her eyelids.

After a long moment, Catherine forced her eyes open, blinking to clear the blurriness that had settled. She opened her mouth to yell at Greg, only to have Nick shush her.

"Hey, Catherine, don't try to talk. You have a tube down your throat," Nick told her gently.

She glanced between the two men, confusion evident on her face. "What happened?" she attempted to ask anyways, but it sounded muffled and garbled.

"Shh, Catherine," Greg said softly, sensing her distress. "You were shot twice while working a murder with Riley, once in the left side, and once in the collarbone. The bullet from the collarbone wound lodged in your shoulder, and they had to operate to remove it. Unfortunately, your collarbone is shattered and they had to put some pins in to repair it."

That explained the pain in her shoulder and arm, but Catherine forced her eyes to her stomach. Sensing her unasked question, Nick spoke up.

"You were shot in the side, too. There was a lot of damage to your left kidney, so they removed it. However, you should be fine," Nick said, smoothing her hair back from her head. He nodded his head toward the door, indicating to Greg that he wanted him to get a doctor. "You gave us quite the scare."

Catherine nodded, her eyes drooping closed. It was good to be back with the guys, but she wanted to see Warrick one last time…

"Hey, Cath, keep your eyes open for a few more minutes," Nick said softly. "Just let the doctor look you over and make sure you're okay."

"War…rick," she managed through the tube, glancing up at Nick with pleading eyes. "Rick…"

"Oh, honey," Nick said softly, his eyes filling with tears. "Warrick's gone."

Catherine shook her head as violently as she could without jarring her collarbone, mumbling, "Saw…him."

Nick blinked, frowning a little. He could have sworn that he heard Catherine say that she had seen Warrick, but that couldn't have been the case. Warrick was gone.

He glanced up as the doctor walked into the room. "Ms. Willows, it's nice to have you back," the doctor said kindly, pulling his stethoscope out. "I'm going to check your pulse and blood pressure and then we'll see about getting that tube out of your throat, okay?"

Catherine nodded, allowing the doctor to check her out. She closed her eyes, waiting until she heard him talking again. "Catherine, I'm going to need you to cough, and we'll get that tube out, okay?" he asked. She nodded again, and the doctor said, "Okay, one, two, three, cough."

Catherine complied, grimacing when she felt the tube being extracted from her throat. She heaved, thankful that there was nothing in her stomach at the moment or else it would have ended up on the doctor's lab coat. Her heaves turned to violent coughs that shook her nerve endings, and she glanced gratefully at Greg as he rubbed her back soothingly.

The coughing – and subsequent stabs of pain in her side and arm – finally subsided somewhat, and Catherine glanced at Nick. "I'm not going crazy," she whispered hoarsely.

Nick just laughed at the confused look on Greg and the doctor's faces, patting Catherine's hand comfortingly.

~/~

_*One Week Later*_

Catherine sighed, shifting as carefully as possible in order to not jar her injured side or collarbone. It was a useless effort, as no matter what way she laid or moved, one or the other ached in protest. She had finally found the level of elevation that was comfortable, and she was content to just lay there.

A knock sounded at the door of her private hospital room, and Catherine glanced over. She smiled at Riley's hesitant gaze, sensing that the youngest member of the team really didn't want to be there. It wasn't that she didn't want to see Catherine; she just felt guilty that Catherine had nearly died protecting her.

And she really had almost died. She crashed once in the ambulance, and then once on the operating table when they were working on removing her damaged kidney. Add to that, it was touch and go for a few hours, forty-four to be exact, but Catherine had managed to make it out less one kidney, a shattered collarbone, two bullet wounds, and several stitches later.

Catherine welcomed Riley with a smile, waving her into the room with the arm that wasn't currently restricted in a brace and sling.

"Hey, Catherine," Riley said hesitantly. "How are you?"

Catherine made a move to shrug, remembering just in time that that was on the list of things that she shouldn't do in order to not cause pain. "I'm okay," Catherine finally answered. "Bored. Sore. Ready to get out of here."

"Ah, so the same as when Ray saw you yesterday?" Riley asked, sitting down nervously.

"Pretty much," Catherine answered. "How is everything at the lab?"

"It's fine. I uh…I settled the case from…from last week," Riley stammered.

"Which case?" Catherine asked with a frown. "I don't really remember much."

"The case we were working when…uh, when you were shot," Riley answered. Catherine nodded in response, and Riley blurted out, "I'm sorry, Catherine. I can't be here!"

"Wait, wait," Catherine spoke up hastily. "Where are you going?"

"I'm sorry, Catherine, I just can't be here."

"Wait," Catherine repeated, lifting her left arm in order to halt Riley's progress. "Just stop, Riley, and take a minute to listen to me."

Riley looked at Catherine with tear filled eyes, and Catherine sighed. "Riley, please sit back down?" Catherine requested. "I'm not going to get out of this bed. It hurts too much."

Guilt flashed in Riley's eyes, and Catherine realized what the problem was. "You think that this is your fault?" Catherine asked bluntly, seeing the pain reflecting in Riley's gaze. "Riley, listen to me. What happened last week: I would take a bullet for any of you. I don't regret what happened, and I would do it again in a second."

"But you nearly died," Riley protested hoarsely.

"I know," Catherine answered, raising an eyebrow.

"You may never work in the field again because of me," Riley continued.

"Yeah, and I'd do it again," Catherine answered. Seeing the dubious look on Riley's face, Catherine asked, "Riley…do you believe in life after death?"

"I – what?" Riley asked, confused over the change of topic.

"Do you believe in life after death?" Catherine repeated.

Riley blinked, crossing her arms in front of her. "I…don't know, Catherine. Why?"

"After I was shot, when the paramedics came into the room and I blacked out, I came to in a room and I was really confused. It was…it was all white," Catherine described. "I wasn't in pain, and I ended up seeing Warrick Brown."

Riley took a deep breath. "Did he…say anything to you?" she asked.

"We talked a little bit, yes," Catherine answered. She glanced at Riley, relieved to see that she didn't look skeptical. "Long story short, he told me that I had a choice: to stay or to go."

"Why did you choose to come back?" Riley asked. "Didn't you – weren't you and Warrick…"

She trailed off, unsure of how to word her question. She had heard musings in the lab about Catherine and Warrick's relationship, and she had personally seen how much of a fog Catherine had been in for the weeks – months – following Warrick's death.

"Warrick and I were complicated," Catherine finally answered with a sigh. "There was an attraction, flirtation thing there, but something happened to Nick and he ended up running off and getting married. The marriage didn't work out, and we seemed on the path to getting our act together, and…everything happened.

"I can't even tell you why I chose to come back. I knew that I was going to face a long road ahead of me in recovery, and that it would be a long time before I'm back in the lab, let alone the field…if I even make it back there," Catherine continued. She looked at Riley hard, and then finished, "I just have too much here. Lindsey, my mother, the team…I'm not ready to give that up just yet. And I don't blame you for what happened. I remember my actions clear as day. I don't think that you froze, or that you didn't react fast enough. I saw the suspect before you did, and I reacted the only way I knew." She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, and added, "But if it's forgiveness that you ask of me, then I accept your apology."

Riley nodded slowly, leaning forward. "You do realize that I'm going to be bothering you every five minutes when you return to the lab to see if you need anything, right?" she asked her supervisor.

"Are you going to carry my books to my locker too?" Catherine quipped.

"If need be," Riley answered. Catherine smiled, grimacing a bit as pain shot through her collarbone. "Thank you, Catherine," Riley said. "Without you, I wouldn't be here."

Catherine weakly moved her hand to Riley's, patting the younger woman's hand. There seemed to be no more words that could be exchanged, and the pair sat in content silence for several minutes. Catherine felt herself drifting off to sleep, one of the only things that she could do in the hospital without pain.

"Knock knock!" A thick New Jersey accent broke the silence, and Jim Brass came into the room. "How's my favorite women?"

"Hey, Jim," Catherine said tiredly, smiling at the teddy bear and balloon that Jim held in his arms. "Is that for me?"

"Nah, it's for Riley," Jim answered with a wink, plopping down the bear carefully on Catherine's left arm as he tied the balloon to her bed. "How are you doing?"

"Okay," Catherine answered, squeezing the soft teddy bear to her side. "Get them to spring me soon and I'll be better."

"Not until you're all better," Nick spoke up as he, Greg, and Langston made their way into the room, each of them holding fresh bouquets of flowers.

"You guys!" Catherine blushed. "You didn't have to go all this!"

"Yeah, but we wanted to," Langston said, sitting his flowers on the shelf in front of the other bouquets that had appeared over the course of the week. "You need to get back soon. Nicky's tearing the lab apart."

"I am not!" Nick protested, taking a seat next to Riley, relieved to see that Riley looked a little better then she had the last few days.

"I wouldn't doubt it if he were," a new voice spoke up, and everyone looked toward the door. Grissom and Sara stood there, smiling shyly at the group.

"Grissom!" Nick was the first to speak up, shooting to his feet. "What are you doing here?"

"Hodges called me repeatedly and told me what happened when I finally picked up the phone," Grissom said. "I just can't get him to leave me alone."

The pair stepped into the small room, Sara walking over to Catherine and giving her a small pat on the knee. "How are you doing, Cath?" she asked.

"I feel like I'm missing an organ, and as long as I don't move from this position, I'm fine," Catherine answered with a small smile. "Thanks for coming."

She smiled at Grissom as he leaned down and kissed her forehead, smoothing some hair from her face. "I'm just sorry that it was under these circumstances," Grissom said with a sad smile. "You better get well soon."

"I'm working on it," Catherine grumbled, looking around the room at her colleagues – her family. She loved Warrick, but she couldn't imagine being anywhere other then here at the moment.

She turned her gaze skyward, smiling slightly.

_One day, Rick,_ she thought. _One day, we'll be together again._

Just not yet.


End file.
